Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
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farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing