uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
and now we wait
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday