LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
You Might Also Like
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me