I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years