Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no