Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Safety first
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….