Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
You Might Also Like
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”