Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Lmao the reply
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow