Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Yes, this is exactly right
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.