[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.