sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?