[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Dune (2021)
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”