Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?