Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense