You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”