at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick