Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you