Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?