Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Thursday
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!