Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Why do meteors always land in craters?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
#TopTip
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam