Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
He wanted to make sure😂
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.