Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.