Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole