If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
seems like a niche market
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.