I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Adultry does not sound fun at all
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
there has never been a better use of this meme
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: how are you
Friday: good
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’