If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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The booster protects against what, now?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Cheers Twitter.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.