Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.