I told my vodka about you.
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim