Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
It’s the weekend y’all
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.