You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Are these grass-fed oranges?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Customer is always right
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix