Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Worst perfume name ever.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.