my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.