The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped