Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.