why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m awake but I object,
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Okay
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson