*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
New favorite tiktok
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95