Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*