Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.