‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
mariah carrie
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”