I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
When you kidnap a writer.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I miss this era type of pranks😭