Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Google assistant rules
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?