So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.