Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Lmfaoooooo
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ