Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
You Might Also Like
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’