my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
You Might Also Like
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit