Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.