“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.