I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
A wise man once said nothing.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.