interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Not today. 😅
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here