I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed